Scrapophillia:

You can never reclaim this moment, so you’d better use it wisely.

When I think about my past, or talk about it, the first thing that comes to mind is a litany of my failures.  I’ve deeply hurt people in the past.  I hated myself, but I was so obsessed with that, that I often hurt other people selfishly.  Ironically, even while I was hurting those other people, at the time, I didn’t believe I could exist without them observing me.  Without the affirmation of others, I was absolutely nothing.  I was Schrodinger’s cat.  I was a passive, unobservant, unfulfilled creature sitting in a box, waiting desperately for someone to make me real by noticing me, without any regard for my life or death as an outcome.  

I had to get out.  I had to go on a journey to find that I was real on my own.  At the time, it was incredibly lonely, even when I was with people.  I tried several times to go on the journey with others, lovers or friends that I thought could help me out of the maze of self-destruction.  At the time, those false starts were heart-breaking, and the decision to go on alone was a painful one.  

It wasn’t until I was alone among strangers that I learned how to be a better person.  I had to win people over with no one proclaiming my worth, and no friends to talk to about my behavior.  I learned to just talk to people straightforwardly and invite as much constructive criticism as possible, even if I didn’t trust the people involved not to hurt my pride.  

No one, no matter how much they loved me, could have taught me what I needed.  What I needed wasn’t softness and tender, thoughtful words, what I needed was to take a scalpel to my way of being and cut away the parts that weren’t helping my life.  It wasn’t until I could do that, that I could return and try to treat my friends in this new way and hopefully make up for all the awfulness of my past.

So when I think about my past, or talk about it, the first thing that comes to mind is a litany of my failures, but it’s not because I hate myself.  It’s because I have to remember the pain I brought so that I can never do it again, so that I don’t slip back into selfish, hateful habits.  So I don’t treat people like objects, even when I’m trying to be nice to them.  It’s still something I worry about, and as much as it plagues me, I hope that it never goes away, because even when I’m failing at it, what I really want to to show people that I love them and to commemorate that in my actions towards them.

So here’s to friendship, to forgiving, and to rebuilding what we’ve broken.  I love you all, no matter what <3

I posted that song, and if I play it on my computer, my cat FLIPS OUT.

“OH MY GOD,” she says, “YOU ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY IN FRONT OF AND TRAPPED INSIDE THE COMPUTER.  OH NO!!  HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?!?”

She paws at the computer and looks at me with the widest, most terrified eyes ever.   “IT STOLE YOUR SOUL!!!”

She does the same thing when you put someone she knows on speaker phone.  She tries her hardest to get them out of the phone with her tiny little paws.  She’s such a weird sweetheart.

I don’t tend to post allot of personal things online, but I really need to vent somewhere, and typing this but not posting it seems silly.  I’m worried and I’m nervous and I’m sick and tired of being worried and nervous.  I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m always making lists when I’m stressed out about stuff, right now, mine is comprised mostly of work, school, and family.  

My uncle died a few weeks ago and I didn’t get to go to the funeral, my grampa just almost died of pneumonia, and if he had, I probably wouldn’t have made it there either.  My niece doesn’t know who I am anymore…grampa probably wouldn’t either at this point.  Work let me know that unless our numbers are doing better over the summer, somebody is probably going to get “let go” again.  Time before last, it was me, but who knows, maybe they’ll keep me on because they effectively took away my benefits by letting me go and then re-hiring me, and that’s probably cheaper.  On top of that, I had a bad run of illness, and I’ve used up all my absences for classes, which means that I’m constantly worried about being sick and I can’t take any psychological days with the rest of this crap going on.

BUT

What I do have, is a wonderful, caring, thoughtful significant-other who is always trying to make me feel better.  He comes over and washes my dishes and takes out the trash without being asked, he picks me up from work when I need it without complaint.  He is strong and stable and here for me, probably forever, and I never have to worry about him for any reason.  I have a fantastic roommate who listens to me when I’m freaking out and always seems to have patience for my weird moods and my love being at our apartment all the time.  She cooks for us on days that I feel like crying and she handles any roommate discussion with calm and practicality.  I have friends that show me how they care in their actions and who are excited and working towards the long term goal of a commune or community that I have always wanted.  They are thoughtful and generous, and treat me as an equal in everything they do.  There are no weird expectations or rules about how we hang out or what we can do together.   The only thing they want from me is that I treat them as equals and do my best in life.  The only time they call me out is when I am being self- or mutually- destructive.  There’s allot to be thankful for, I just have to remember that.

I am always a little late on Mondays, because I know if I start the day, I’ll have to finish it.